Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
