i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
