i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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