Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize