You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
