My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
