I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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