Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
