those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
