I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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