everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
