she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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