Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
