if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You just made me feel so damn special
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
