I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
