You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
love makes seman taste better
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
