p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
