I just made out with a guy for $7.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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