The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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