A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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