so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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