im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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