the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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