I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
