I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
