what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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