Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
