i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
