Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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