the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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