the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
