what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
