Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
