Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
