I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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