every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
