Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
birth control should be required to get into college
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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