I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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