i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
