cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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