Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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