i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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