So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
