I wish I could teleport
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize