I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
