Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
