I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
