you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
