Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
