What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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