I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
