At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no you cant smoke seaweed
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
