i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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