I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
