He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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