Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
