Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
