i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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