I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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