Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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