you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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